Thoughts

This night is a joyous night for a lot of people. Going to an event, joining a bonfire, or waiting for the ball to drop in Times Square. The point is that many of us tend to spend this night surrounded by others. Tonight I am spending it surrounded by family and friends. I also was intentional about making time to cultivate new relationships also today.

Loneliness is a big issue in our culture. With the supposed “connection” we have at our fingertips all the time, we can feel like we have thousands of friends but in all actuality have very few to that we have actually connected to. Our WIFI lifestyles have led to an epidemic of loneliness that was highlighted with the lockdowns in the pandemic.

To me this is a big aspect of our mental wellbeing. Who do you have around you that makes you feel safe? Who can you go to when you need calm in our hectic lifestyle? Who can you sit with and lose time with chatting about everything and nothing? It is important to think about this as we move into the new year. Maybe it is time for you to be intentional about cultivating new connections with non-WIFI friends.

I have been thinking a lot about the end of the year and the quiet of winter. I know many of us are experiencing a lot of craziness right now preparing for Christmas, but I took some time today to consider the coming end of the year.

This has been a big year for me. I decided to go out on my own and take my private practice out of a group practice and to my own agency. We also had exciting family events and changes as well like, big accomplishments with the kids and new additions to the family. We have also had some difficult challenges this year in losses and hardship.

The biggest question I have been asking myself is, “What am I ready to release from the past year?”. I have been working on releasing a lot of anger and sadness that I have held onto for a long time. I am trying to be more authentic in how I show up and more committed to speaking my truth and my feelings. I have been thinking a lot about the phases of trauma recovery from Dr. Judith Herman.

The first phase is Safety and Stabilization. Most people start therapy in this phase and sometimes people remain in this phase. In this phase we work to reconnect with our bodies and develop skills to create and develop a sense of safety. It is important to recognize that it can be re-traumatizing to process trauma without moving through this stage first.

The second phase is Remembrance and Mourning. This phase is where we would shift to processing the trauma. It is important in this phase to continue to work on your safety and stabilization skills. This is the phase I have been working in within my own therapy. It is also important to remember to pace yourself in this time. We need to grieve what we have lost and move through the feelings that come up. This phase needs to be be paced based on your reactions. If we move too quickly in this phase, we may become overwhelmed and we may have to shift to the Safety and Stabilization phase.

The last phase is Reconnection and Integration. In this phase we are reconnecting with ourselves, our relationships, and the world. We have a new sense of self and our place in the world. We are able to orient ourselves in the context of healthy relationships. In this phase, our trauma is no longer defining our behaviour or who we are.

I don’t see these phases as clearly and rigidly defined. I see people sliding between them once we have moved through all the stages for the first time. There are always going to be challenges in our lives so continuing to work on Safety and Stabilization. The grief from the Remembrance and Mourning phase may show up for us from time to time. Finally, we will continuously need to be thinking about how we can show up authentically in our lives and in our relationships based on the cultural pressures and societal pressures we all experience and therefore working in the Reconnection and Integration phase.